Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
