woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
