Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
