??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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