I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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