Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
