Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
