I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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