so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
