sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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