i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
