mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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