Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
