He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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