checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
