her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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