I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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