It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
