i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
