planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
