ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
