is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
