I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize