You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
