I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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