Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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