Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
