two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
