Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
