Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
