and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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