According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
So many bounce houses so little time
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
