On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
