I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
