No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
