I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
