After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
