i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
The dick lei will go down in squad history
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize