so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
