im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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