Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
