My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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