i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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