it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
