You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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