The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
