I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
