you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
