Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
