I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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