booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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