Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I AM VODKA MAN
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
