no, he came in my armpit
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
