I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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