I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
