I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
