It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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