So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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