LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
