It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
