They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
